Message To Majicdumpling

Your “Catching Waves” post told a good story until the end. The conclusion was weak:

The surfer got in front of the ripple and began paddling furiously.  Though not strong enough to support his board at first, the ripple quickly grew in breadth and height until it was a decent wave, with the surfer was [sic] gliding comfortably on top.  The size and power of the wave multiplied at an astonishing rate.  The young surfer soon found himself riding a massive tsunami, unlike anything anyone had ever seen before.

The landscape was changed forever as the tsunami crashed into the shoreline.

The veteran surfer never knew what hit him.

The supporting phrase “unlike anything anyone had seen before” is a generalization. While it may be true all the occupants of the beach that day may have never seen a tsunami wave, the assumption is hubris and cannot be verified. Additionally, the magnificence of the wave should be left for the reader to decide. The author should properly describe the characteristics of the wave to aid the reader in their definition.

A similar error is made in the closing statement, “the veteran surfer never knew what hit him.” The veteran probably was shocked to be crushed by watery death, but he must of seen it coming. I Imagine him with the howling fantods.

Here is my suggested revision:

The young surfer plunged his arms into the salty foam and strained his shoulders against the water’s resistance. He poured his strength into the ripple; as he atrophied the ripple became a wave. The wave held him, allowing him to harvest his expended energy. Soon the feral maw of the ocean threaten to consume the young surfer. The wave had lured him, pleading for him to come and follow.

The young mind misjudged, only seeing the ripple of a mighty force of energy. Youth allowed the surfer to grow in confidence as he began his harvest. The harvest was deceptive, a promise made by energy only concerned with its own course.

Youth loses his balance and violently tumbles into the wave’s breast. Forces grab hold of him and dash his body against the rocks leaving gobbets of meat for the sharks he once fought. The veteran noticing the lowering of the ocean’s surface began scanning the horizon before he was caught in the it-who-shows-no-favor-to-the-young-or-old wave. Strength depleted he straddles his board with terrorized eyes; howling the fantods.

The landscape was changed forever as the tsunami crashed into the shoreline.

The above revision does some justice, giving the reader the description of a wave they have never seen before. Also more meaning is conveyed by the closing statement.

Thank you for your consideration.

lostwhitemale

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