In The Care Of Dogs

I am writing this to you because you have agreed to care for Dogs beginning x + 8:00 AM CST on 12/25/11 through (and ending) x + 3:00 PM CST on 12/26/11. (ref “def Term” call at end of writing).

I consider the beforehand agreement a sub-requirement to my main reasoning for this writing. My main reason being: the need for written instructions is an opportunity to write.

My reasons revealed, I will begin my instruction in the care of Dogs:

You are the substitute pack leader. The term leader has been left for you to define (ref “def Term” call at end of writing). You may choose to be a passive leader, a tyrant, loving, or a good leader. The best of these is the good leader. Before giving direction in the choice to define Leader(persona=”good”), I will provide you with the raw information for the care of Dogs:



–Walks/Bathroom breaks X3/day:

  • 1st= x+8:00 AM CST
  • 2nd= x+1:00 PM CST
  • 3rd= x+9:00 PM CST

(Note: I walk them two or three blocks at each of these times. You may choose, if you wish, to simply let them into your yard at these times. If you do choose to let them into your yard, please supervise them closely. They may wander, being they are in a new environment. The boundaries attribute for your environment have been left for you to define. Be sure to define valid values (ref  “load Env” call at end of writing). A tie out leash is provided if you are unable or unwilling to define the attributes. )

–Food X2/day:

  • 1st= x+8:00 AM CST
  • 2nd= x+5:00 PM CST
  • Amount= 1 mostly full cup for each–in separate dishes provided. Cup and food provided as well.

(Note: They do not excite much over feeding time. They are impassive toward their standard food. Leave the food out until next feeding time. When time comes for the next feeding, supplement the already present food. Approximate how much more each dish would need to equal a mostly full cup of food.)

–Standard and non-standard snacks:

  • frequency determined by you

(Note: Silas enjoys standard snacks with vigor. He sees them as reward and performs tricks (tricks known by Silas: spin, sit, shake, lie down, speak, stay, and come). Bill may be impassive or refuse the snacks–(tricks known by Bill: sit, stay, come). I believe previous owners of Bill fed him many non-standard snacks, hence his lackluster view on the standard snacks. Both dogs will circle you as you eat during your feeding times. This behavior is known as begging. Resist the begging. The behavior may become too difficult to withstand; in this case, give each dog a small amount of non-standard snack. This will not cease the undesired behaviors, but may change you.need( to be true. Use discretion. Large amounts of non-standard snacks will cause digestive problems. I have provided some of the little brown bones to be used as standard snacks.)

–Normal activities:

  • Play
  • Resting
  • Petting
  • Following you
  • Roaming about

(Note: Much of the time Dogs are napping. While they nap, loud snores are common. Even while awake, snorts and other obnoxious noises are common place for Dogs. Silas is enthusiastic about play, Bill is not. Bill would rather be attentively petted. Silas will engage in wrestling and a behavior known as fetch. Wrestling with Silas involves him putting his mouth on you. Petting Dogs is a mutually soothing activity for Dogs and you. Dogs enjoys vigorous rubs and scratches, but there is also a place for gentle strokes. Use discretion. If while engaged in petting, the Dogs presents their bellies, rub the bellies. The Dogs will follow you around. Silas tends to follow more than Bill, but Bill will engage in the behavior on occasion. This is normal. Finally if none of the other listed behaviors are engaged by Dogs, they will roam about your home. Take care to keep them out of rooms designated as no urine or feces zones. Toys to be used for fetch provided. Beds provided for napping and lights-out (see lights-out).)


  • x+11:00 PM CST
  • Dogs’ Bed
  • Your Bed

(Note: When retiring for the night you will find the Dogs will follow you. Dogs wants to sleep with you. This is normal. Dogs must now learn definition of sleep: define the term by allowing Dogs to lay with you in your bed, or not. If you choose to not allow Dogs in the bed, you must construct a barricade between you and Dogs. A sturdy bedroom door which closes tight will work–if the bedroom door only weakly snaps shut Dogs will bust through and attempt to get into the bed. Do not rely on a weak connection in your locking mechanism. Three other options are: a firmly placed child safety gate; any number of solid objects with sufficient height, width, and weight; or locking Dogs in another room (remember defined no urine or feces zones). If your barricade fails, Dogs will come to the edge of where you lay and attempt to enter the bed. If your bed is of great height relative to the dogs, they will begin to claw at the edges of the mattress. The clawing will be accompanied by whimpering and whining. This is normal. You may choose to mollify the clawing by picking Dogs up and putting them into your bed, or you can attempt to ignore their pleas. Ignoring their pleas does work but takes a large effort of will. If ignored long enough the Dogs will cease the clawing and disperse to rest. I have observed the Dogs to cease clawing and find a place to rest for the remainder of the night. Other times I have observed the Dogs to rest for x+2hrs and return. You may also choose to physically remove Dogs from your room. Upon doing so, attempt to define your desired sleeping spot for them, return to your room, and reconstruct your barricade with greater fortitude.)

–Additional advisories/comments

  • Bill frequently extends his penis.
  • Bill sheds a great deal.
  • Bill’s breath is nauseating.
  • Bill makes an usual amount of guttural noises.
  • Dogs have disgusting flatulence. This is normal.
  • Bill is more intelligent than Silas.
  • Silas is much more active than Bill.
  • Being they are of the pug breed, they have curly tails. These curly tails normally rest on their backs when they are of indifferent or happy mood. While the tails evoke endearment, the Dogs anuses are visible at all times.
  • I apologize in advanced for urine or feces left in any of the defined no urine or feces zones.

–Closing remarks

I have run short of time and must save the remaining section (how to be a good leader) for another writing.

We both extend our gratitude to you for taking on the function of the substitute pack leader. Thank you.


Start load Event((name="caring for dogs")(expires="12/26/11"))[
Start load Env((name="")(boundaries=x"//",y="//",z="//"))[
Start def Term[
def Term x %±%
def Term Bill %sentient.being((being=canine.pug)(age=5yr.)(build="many skin rolls,"stocky","fawn","eyes.brown.large.bulge","40lbs")(persona="chill")(intelligence="slightly above average"))%
def Term Silas %sentient.being(((being=canine.pug)(age=1.5yrs)(build="slender","homely","fawn","tongue.long.hangs","eyes.large."bulge much".brown.cocked","28lbs")(persona="hyperactive")(intelligence="below average"))%
def Term Dogs %group((being=canines))%
def Term Leader %you((

x = 90min
Bill =
Silas =
Leader =
Dogs = Bill + Silias
]End def Term
]End load Env.""
]End load Event."caring for dogs"


Filed under Narration, Works

2 responses to “In The Care Of Dogs

  1. This is hilarious. I want this on a poster and/or t-shirt.

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